Lights, camera, action! Campbell turns out to be a slip of a Scottish lassie, fit as a proverbial butcher?s dog, with a neat, dark bob, a concave stomach and an irreproachably firm backside. She is filmed in an unfeasible glass-walled building ? think of a sanatorium designed by Kevin McCloud ? overlooking a Sylvan garden and looks svelte and supple and entirely out of place in my cluttered sitting room.
?In order to achieve the perfect Pilates bum, we need to strengthen and tone the surrounding muscles,? she begins. Really? Do we have to? I suppose she has a point, but really I was hoping to start hammering away at my indolent glutes right away.
There?s more. Much, much more. ?Sculpting and Toning? is followed by ?Strengthening Up? before ? ta-dah! ? ?The Perfect Pilates Bum? section, which promises to lift and improve the shape of my rump until the congregation in Westminster Abbey is slack-jawed with wonder and admiration. I paraphrase, but I expect that?s what she means.
There are shoulder bridges to work the glute muscles, leg lifts, clams, forward kicks, and all manner of smiling tortures to a backdrop of tinkly music. Then comes ?Total Combo?, followed by ?Cool Down? ? presumably because at this point I will be Hot. So Hot.
But not so anyone would notice. Admittedly, I only did one session, but it did afford me a glimpse of how things could be. If I could only be bothered.
I have the perfect bum DVD, Pippa has the perfect bum. It may not be a strictly equitable divide, but it?s the bottom line.
* ?The Perfect Pilates Bum, with Margot Campbell? is released on DVD (2entertain, �16.33) on Monday 26 December
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