I have friends who have been condemned for not wanting children. It seems that, because they lead full, happy, satisfying lives, they are labelled as selfish. But I was so desperate for a baby that what I put my relationship, family and friends through was the most selfish thing I have done.
Child-free couples have been referred to as self-indulgent, self-absorbed and immature, but I was all of these. Having a child was a fundamental part of what I had grown up to expect. But after four years of fertility treatment (which finally resulted in the birth of my daughter, Daisy, now two), I no longer recognised myself: the last few years of my thirties had been obliterated by the obsessive wish to conceive.
I stepped on to the IVF roller-coaster level-headed and full of hope, but as the months went by and the treatments failed, I became someone completely different. My husband, Mike, and I had high expectations, and failing a cycle of IVF breaks your heart. The failure of our second cycle tipped me over the edge, and I began to fall apart.
I can remember crying for hours on the bathroom floor with an overwhelming sense of hopelessness. Why had my body let me down? Why me? Why us? Mike was at his wits' end, not knowing how to help me. Although you go through IVF as a couple, you react to it in different ways, and it put a huge strain on our relationship.
While Mike felt that his role was to keep positive, I became more emotionally drained and took out all my anger, frustration and hurt on him. As time went on he began to retaliate, which resulted in blazing rows. There wasn't much love in our relationship, and, although he was doing his best to support me, sometimes it just wasn't enough. I know there were times when all he wanted to do was say 'sod this' and leave.
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